So 2014 is nearly over.
There have been plenty of times when I’ve found myself wishing this year away and hoping I can just pretend it never happened.
But I’ve also had plenty of reminders of how wonderful life is, and especially how precious time is with family and friends.
Health, it turns out, is a fragile thing, easily taken for granted until it’s gone. At which point it suddenly becomes apparent how much life and freedom it brings.
In amongst the crappiness, this year has had some good bits.
Lots of good bits in fact.
Relationships with friends and family have been tested and it turns out they are strong. I now know I can be a wreck and still be loved: I used to know the theory, now I know it works in practice. And people still want to come round when I’m in pyjamas, the house is a mess and there’s no food on offer!
I’ve discovered new things about myself and my own strength and resources; I’m also learning to be more dependent on other people and to ask for help.
I’ve enjoyed weddings and holidays and days out, though granted at a gentler pace to what I’m used to.
I’ve been trying hard to stay positive, but I don’t really know what that means. Does it mean pretending that everything is ok when it isn’t? I did that for a long time, but it didn’t really do me any good.
More recently, I’ve been trying to be more honest with people, and with myself, about the realities of living with chronic migraine. Writing this blog has really helped, and I’m so grateful to everyone who’s taken the time to read it.
But I don’t want to just complain about how bad life is, because for one it isn’t all bad and for two there are plenty of people who have far worse things to deal with.
Instead, I’ve made conscious decisions to make good memories in amongst the yukkiness: spending time with little people who always make me smile, taking walks in places with good views, watching sunsets, eating cake, enjoying big hugs and belly laughs, reflecting on things I’d never even thought about before and gaining new perspectives on all sorts of weird and wonderful things.
So part of me would like to write off 2014 as a bad vintage and vow never to speak of it again. But if I did that I’d be at major risk of throwing the baby out with the bath water (bit of a metaphor mishmash there but it’s 2.30am, my head hurts too much for sleeping and this isn’t really the time to be thinking of an alternative!)
So I shall look back on 2014 with sadness and frustration, but also with much joy and fond memories.
And I shall hope for a few migraine-free hours in 2015…
Happy New Year everybody, enjoy the celebrations and I hope 2015 brings you hope, peace and joy x